Darkened Soul
by lucratcia
Summary: Sometimes, a mission gone wrong will cause things unforseen.


Blackened Soul

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and all that it entails never was, is not, and never will be any part of mine.

A/N: Bad day, plot bunny attack, Herbie seemed a little active and has taken a break from the gf Hepkitty so happily supplied him.

"I stand here, trying not to choke on the tears or the sobs that want to come out, that demand to be released. But, that just wouldn't be me. My heart feels like it has been ripped out and stomped on and everybody can see it, but can not do anything to help ease the pain. Not that I would let them anyways. I think I need to feel this, just for a bit. Just so I remember that I -can- feel something besides the nothingness that threatens to swallow me whole.

Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why? It didn't make sense, not really. We were such opposites, and yet, I just couldn't keep on hating you. I probably did not even hate you, even at the begining. You were this enigma that just wouldn't go away. And with your first smile, I was lost. I just didn't know it yet. I almost lost you once, after the first war was over, but I knew I just could never let that happen again.

We made it through the first war, still weary of the world around us, and yet we knew we had made it through in one piece. Then, the Barton incident. Not like nobody saw something of that ilk coming. I mean, come on, peace may have been fought for and won, but it wouldn't stay that way. But, we prevailed, again. You and I still stealing glimpses of each other and giving those little smiles reserved for nobody else. You had disapeared right after the first one, surprising all of us. I refused to let you go so easily the second time around. So, I got a place, showed it to you, and very fast we were both settled in living in peace and giving normalcy a decent try.

Normal. What would be considered normal for teenage male terrorists? Especially two teenage male terroists that were intent on discovering one another as much as we needed to discover ourselves and our place in this new world. We weren't considered adults by earth nor colony law, and yet no social services dared to touch us. Une, then hen she turned out to be after she decided which personality she liked best, herded us quite close and put us on the pay roll of the preventers. Probably as a way to keep track of us more than anything else. We did paperwork, waiting until we turned 18 to be sent out as adults and do jobs that we would have laughed at when we were 14 and 15.

And laugh we did.

Just six months ago, the youngest of us, Wufei, turned 18 finally. Who would have thought that the ranting raving justice preaching Chinese man would be the baby of the group? Even Quatre had him beat by few months. But, that meant that all five of us could work together once again in pairs or as a group. Almost like old times. But, this time it was different. I had fallen for you and I was realising this hard and fast.

I wasn't allowed to feel during the war, none of us really were. Of course there were times when we had that whole comaraderie thing going on, but none of us truly got close. But when it was all over? I could finally say that I felt something for you and I wanted to know what it was and I wanted it to -grow-.

So again I ask, why you? A suicidal maniac as mad as the rest of us.

Everytime you got called out, and boy did you get called out a plenty, my heart would stop and I would almost have to force myself to breathe. It was hard to eat and nearly impossible to sleep. Each time I would wait the countless hours until you came home to our small apartment where I would fix you a dinner or have your bed clothes laid out for you. The little things were what mattered the most, you taught me that. I had to keep remembering that nothing Une could send us into could be anything worse than what we had been through before and we had gotten through that all right. Mostly. But, I could never quite shake the feeling that something was going to happen, maybe I had jinxed us.

It had been a busy month, but nothing major. Just each of us wandering to different colonies and ends of the Earth to put out this or that fire before it sprung up into something more dangerous. Something had come up where you needed a partner, and me being on some far flung colony in the L-3 sector kept us from going together. I didn't have the time nor the chance to worry, so I just threw myself into my work and hurried home as fast as possible.

That night, the night you were supposed to be home somewhat early, I had everything ready for you. I knew it had been a long mission and you would want to rest. You had sent word that you would be back that morning, but something went horribly wrong. Instead of HQ, Une had you routed to some obscure lonely base in some far flung country way up north.

You never came home.

You never called.

Nobody did.

I stayed there for hours pacing up and down our hallways, in and out of the bedrooms, around our sofa. I even started to clean, hoping that somebody would call me to let me know what was going on. I didn't want to seem the over anxious boyfriend calling in to check up on you, so I waited. I figured your debriefing just went longer than expected, flight problems, long paperwork... anything rather than you did not want to come home.

I finally called a little after midnight. Nobody there knew anything and of course the Lady wasn't there, yet they didn't know when she'd be able to return. Of course I kind of paniced, but who was I to talk to? Each of the others were on their seperate missions and no contact could be made with them.

So all I could is wait.

All night.

Alone.

With bloodshot eyes and more than usual unruly hair, I made my way to HQ the next day. As soon as I swiped my card to be allowed entrance into the building, I had a guard come up to me muttering apologies. You know the one, the big bald guy that you were always making comments about the shininess of his head about. Yeah, him. The card reader beeped, letting me know that my card was rejected, startling me.

I finally focused on what the guard was trying to say to me and I finally figured out that he was telling me that I would not be going to work today. Of course I was instantly pissed. Who the hell did this guy think he was? I started screaming something, I'm sure most of it was far from understood. They had assumed I was going to be a problem, so Wufei was close by. The poor guy looked like he had less sleep than me and I know for a fact that he had just returned from a mission just hours ago. And here he was, having to deal with a half hysterical homicidal me.

I wanted answers nobody would give, but I wanted them right that instant and I didn't care what I had to do to get them. Before Wufei could really get me under control, I let loose a few wild swings. I know one connected to the guard's nose, I had to go and visit him in the hospitol to apologize a few days later. And Wufei sported a split lip before he was able to drag me away from the front door and throw me into my own car. Passenger side of course.

He drove me home in silence. I'm pretty sure I didn't say very much the whole way, if anything at all. The fuzz stuck against the door became mightedly interesting on the short way to the apartment. Once there, I got out on my own and stormed inside. The anger was building up again, and I'm sure the neighbors would get enough of the spectacle soon enough. Wufei followed, close behind, shutting the door quietly, calmly.

He took a seat at the kitchen nook, looking like shit and expecting more to be thrown at him. I almost felt sorry for him, but obviously he knew something I didn't. So I let my anger loose. I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I demanded. I think I even tried to leave a time or two and Wufei was always there, in front of that door faster than me absolutely refusing to let me leave. I think I would have jumped out the window if I thought it would get me anything, which of course at that time, it would have done me no good. When I finally wore myself out enough for him to get a word in edgewise, he started to tell me what he knew, which wasn't a whole lot.

Apparently the mission you were on went bad, real bad.

You had come back alone.

The guy that you had paired up with didn't make it back with you. It was not as though he was a fresh recruit and did not know what he was doing or hadn't seen the horror of wars like us. He was a vetran through and through. Not only had he not made it back, but he had killed himself, quite messily in front of you.

If I hadn't thrown myself down on the couch in exhaustion, I would have fallen to the floor anyways. I was shocked beyond words. My mind completely shut down, stopped working, took a vacation, something. Next thing I knew, I had Wufei's arms wrapped around me with him shushing me quietly, his mouth near my ear. He was slowly rocking me back and forth. My hands hurt from apparently pounding my fists against the couch, the table, the foor. My eyes and throat burned from the tears and I think screaming.

For the first time, in truly a long ass time, I was scared. What in the world would make this person do such a thing?

I think I tried to run from the apartment again. I wanted to get to you, since supposably you were at headquaters again. I wanted to throttle Lady Une at the least. What kind of mission did she send you on that could cause so much strife that one of our best agents decided to kill himself after the mission was over? Wufei ended up with a few bruised ribs for that last attempt. A sharp chop to the side of my neck brought blessed darkness.

I woke up hours later in our bed with Wufei sleeping against the door. The guy didn't trust me to up and leave, go figure. I had woken him up, and he very shortly and bluntly told me to go back to sleep or he'd make me. I huffed and rolled over, grumbling all the while.

Why am I standing here telling you all of this? It's not like it makes a difference. I want to scream and cry and beg for you to answer me. But no, I stand here quietly, barely whispering, barely having the energy to do that. I just wish you could understand what happened to me and what I was going through before I felt like I had lost you again. I wanted to understand you. But, maybe it is just who we are, not letting each other in close enough to really be there when it's needed most. Still, you were my best friend and I would ask for no other.

I will continue on, hoping that somehow you are able to hear me and able to forgive my stubborness and my pride for what I have done.

Wufei had kept me locked up in that apartment for the next two days, waiting for some call from Lady Une. That whole time, I didn't hear from you or get any new information about you except that you were being kept at the infirmery for observation. I knew if they let you come home, we'd work through it. There was nothing we couldn't do. Apparently they didn't think so.

Wufei stayed by my side the whole time trying to console me. I had to have been impossible to be around. I mean, shit, I threw things, I broke things, I refused to eat, drank all the alcohol we had stashed in various places before he caught on. But, no matter what, he was there holding me when I could no longer fight.

Three days after you were supposed to come home, you walked through that door. Even in pure mission mode I had never seen your face so blank, so devoid of just everything. I ran from the bedroom and seeing you standing there, looking at this place that we had called home for almost five years as if you were lost, hit me almost as hard as a punch to the stomach. I called your name, no answer. After another try, I came to stand in front of you, waving my hand in front of your face.

No response.

Instead, you reached up and pushed me out of the way and stalked to the bedroom without saying a word. My knees must have given out. I was sitting on the floor and didn't realise it until you had come back out of the room with a small personal bag. At first I thought you were leaving for another mission, so I jumped to my feet and started screaming that there was no way I was letting you walk out that door to go to some unknown place and fight again so soon. That was when you told me, in a voice that would have had any lesser man running to get out of your way, that you were leaving and weren't coming back.

I made to run at you, probably to knock some sense into you. Instead of trying to ask why or to try to understand, I was just pissed. I didn't want you to leave. You hadn't even called me in those three days of Hell that I went through. I knew -nothing- of what you were going through because you wouldn't let me. I really hated you at that point, and I made that very well known. But, before I could hit you, Wufei was there, his arms wrapped around me, muttering something to try to calm me down. I might not have been able to hit you, but I sure as hell wanted you to know damn well that if you walked out that you were not welcomed back.

With a nod, you walked out that door.

There was nothing else.

Oh, how I hated you so much right then. Falling to the floor after that door quietly clicked shut, I finally burst out crying. Nothing loud or overly dramatic, but it was soul wrenching all the same. That was when I realised that I loved you. I loved you so much it hurt and you had just walked out and most likely not coming back. And I was lost without you.

I had another week off, I spent it in what used to be our bed. Wufei stayed the whole time. Doing the shopping, the laundry, the dishes. He made sure I ate. He took real good care of me, so don't be too mad at him. I went back to work and ignored everybody's sad looks and empty condolences. I made sure that Quatre stayed away for awhile; he was just too happy for his own good at the time. I had it out with the Lady, so she put me on restrictive duty. In other words, I became a paper pusher. I stayed in my office and threw whatever was handy at whoever decided to stick there head inside my doorway. Only Wufei survived my wrath, but probably just barely. I ignored everything around me and eventually everything around ignored me.

It was a month before I was asked to go on an assignment. I was part of the backup team to keep an eye on things while other agents went in and busted a drug ring gathering. Those other agents ended up being you and Wufei. I almost walked out on the mission once we got to the site and I saw you there, gearing up. You had that smile on your face, it was almost normal. Almost like before. But this was the only job I could probably get with the background we had acquired for ourselves and I really couldn't afford the Lady being pissed off at me again.

Our eyes met, and I swear, it was like seeing you for the first time all over again. All my anger welled up inside of me again, but this other thing woke up from deep inside me and beat it back. I realised that I still loved you and I was still just as lost as ever. I wanted you right then and there. I wanted to hold you and tell you that I was so sorry for being angry. That I wanted you back home, in my bed, to be there when I wake up in the middle of the night. I wanted to fix you dinner. I wanted to be there when you came stumbling in the door after a late day at work.

Everything seemed to stop at a standstill as you gave me one of those little smiles. It wasn't like the old ones, though, but close enough. You looked tired. It showed around your eyes and in your smile. I had wished right then and there that I could just take you home and put you to bed and tell you that everything was going to be all right. I almost let a goofy grin plaster itself on my face as you stopped Wufei mid-sentence and walked over to where I was setting up surveillance equipment.

"We need to talk," you had said and all I could do was nod. You leaned forward and grabbed me into a tight hug, something that was totally unexpected by all of us, I think. Before you pulled away, I just had to tell you before I let you go. The words 'I love you' left my lips before I actually thought it through and realised that this probably wasn't the right time for such a thing. You pulled back a little, your expression worn and just so very tired, almost haunted.

"Don't worry, I love you too."

And then you were gone with Wufei to get into position as I stood there, left behind almost dumbfounded. It took the other guys in the van a couple of tries to get my attention, but I finally snapped out of it when I got hit with an empty coffee cup. I just grinned at the crew and got to work hacking into the security systems of the building you were about to enter.

If I would have known then what I know now, I would have never let you go. I would have taken you home, and to hell with the job.

It all started out fine. The drop was made. You and Wufei went in, guns a blazing, shouting 'Preventers' at the top of your lungs. Basicly you scared the piss out of most of them. We were even sniggering back there in the van.

Then the shots came.

The bad guys could never go down easy could they? My heart froze mid beat when I heard Wufei shout that there was a man down. I threw off the headphones covering my ears and grabbed the closest two guns that were on my way out the door. Other preventer's in full gear were streaming into the warehouse, while I wore nothing than the ops uniform. I didn't care. I knew something bad was happening and I wasn't just going to sit my unhappy little ass outside waiting for somebody to not tell me what was going on.

I ran in, not even searching for you. I knew if I did, I probably wouldn't get out alive. I didn't even see Wufei, barely registered the difference between preventer and civilian drug dealer. Both guns out, one to each side, I ran in shooting anything that didn't move. One shot, one kill. Easy as ever, the training never leaves you once you've done it for so long. I heard screaming, somebody calling my name and I just continued on, ignoring it. Pain blasted through my shoulder and I lost all feeling in my left arm, dropping my gun. I swung around, took a headshot at my would be killer. I didn't watch his body hit the ground after he fell over the railing.

There was no more time, just more people to kill.

One by one they fell. All the noise faded into the background. The pain from my shoulder melted away and the ache from bullet grazes were just a mere annoyance. Within moments, it was over. I dropped the last gun, some automatic type that I had picked up off the ground at some point. I was covered in blood, not all of it mine. I was breathing hard and damn I was begining to hurt. Barely 19 and I knew I was getting too old for this shit.

Then it dawned on me that Preventers were everywhere and nobody was coming close to me. When I looked down, I saw why. I was standing in a pool of blood and surrounded by several very dead bodies. I franticly searched the area for you, I knew you had to be there somewhere. Back towards the door, off to the side, you lay on the ground unmoving.

I'm pretty sure I yelled several obscenities and shoved anybody out of my way as I made a path to get to you. Wufei looked almost lost as he tried to stop the blood draining so fast from your body. I dropped down to my knees on the cement floor, ignoring the razor sharp pain shooting through my legs. I reached out for one of your hands... it was so cold. You weren't supposed to be cold. That hand was supposed to be warm. Warm damn it.

I looked up at Wufei.

"Duo," he said franticly and I realised that he was trying to stop the bleeding from a wound at the base of your neck. Your neck...

I woke up almost a week later attatched to more IV's than I thought was possible. My right foot was in a cast up to my knee and hanging from some type of contraption. My right arm was in a sling and several bandages were wrapped around my chest down across my stomach and ending at my waist. I was a mess, but I was finally off enough medication to be fully awake. Of course Wufei was there, ready to talk to me, ready to calm me down.

Somehow I got released later that day.

That was yesterday.

So, I'm standing here now, trying not to break down. Wufei brought me in a wheelchair, but I refused to come all the way here sitting in that thing. Can't have you thinking I'm weak, you know? And Wufei? Yeah, I'm sure he has a few words to say to you as well. He's just standing over there off to the side to give me a little time with you first.

Just to let you know, everyone of them died Duo. Every single one of them. Nobody walked out of there alive. I did that for you, because I know you would have done that for me."

A few tears have managed to make there way down my cheeks, but at this point I just don't care anymore. I'm tired and I hurt and I've said my piece. All I can hope now is that each of us could find our own peace and our own way in this hell. I hear a small sigh at my side. I turn and find Wufei standing there, fighting back tears also. In his hands, is a small wreath, a sign of his respect. In the crook of his arm is small bouquet of white calla lilies I had picked out.

"I loved him so much, Wufei," I say to him quietly.

"He loved you too. He was scared of that, that's why he went away."

"I know, but it's ok now. He told me, right before he went in that building." Wufei nods in understanding and then slowly walks up to the little gravemarker that sat at the head of a freshly filled grave.

"I told him too," I say, barely above a whisper. I really didn't want to start crying again. I think I have done enough of that.

"Good," was his answer. He reaches an arm around my waist so I can lean most of my weight against him.

Together, we slowly make it to the car and he helps me get buckled in. He makes sure that I'm comfortable before slowly shutting the door.

"Did you turn in your resignation?" I ask him.

"When I handed in yours." I gave him a small smile as we pulled out of the cemetary. He reached over and gave my good hand a small squeeze.

"Let's go home," I tell him.

"Yes, home."

'I'll keep you within me, my dark and lonely, remembering your love.'

Well, it took me a bit to get out, but please, let me know what you think.


End file.
